Yes, Valentine’s Day is a sham of a holiday, an event created for the sole purpose of making people shell out money to prove their love.
It’s even more challenging for weird people, as they are pressured to conform to what society says is an appropriate gift.
To that, we say, “nonsense!” Love is a weird emotion and should be celebrated as such.
Rather than putting people in a box, we’ve found gifts that reflect the rather strange relationship you’ve probably found yourself in.
And if you don’t have a Valentine? We’ve got you covered as well.
You can thank us later (with one of the gifts in this list, of course).
Like it or not, Valentine’s Day is often a litmus test — for both the giver and recipient. If a gift is too cliche, it’s a deal breaker. If it’s too weird, well, that scares some people off.
So this creepy little orangutan love doll is the perfect way to see if you and your Valentine are in sync. If they like it: Cool. If they like it too much? Deal breaker!
It’s a problem that has plagued humankind for centuries: How can I look stylish and still sneak booze into places where it’s not allowed? The boozy bangle
solves that dilemma by working as a secret flask. Don’t worry: No one will think it’s strange when you suddenly stick a straw into your bracelet and start drinking. NO ONE!
What’s the key to being sexy? Confidence even in the face of reality. This “sexy garden gnome”
is sure to be appreciated by aficionados of bizarre outdoor ornaments.
Flowers may be a cliche Valentine’s Day gift, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t appreciated. And if you have a big love for your Valentine (and a big bankroll), you can drop $499 on this oversized bouquet
. It comes with a huge bucket that can work as a vase. Bring along painkillers because you’re going to need them after carrying this baby.
It takes a special guy who can wear unicorn underwear.
Not only does he have to fill out the horn, but he has to be willing to deal with being asking “Are you horny?” multiple times past the point where it’s funny (which would be once).
Sometimes, the sweetest Valentine’s Day gifts are utilitarian. If you are dating a woman who suffers from the condition commonly known as “boob sweat,” she is sure to appreciate the tata towel.
The towel allows her to walk around braless in the house on a hot day or after a hot shower knowing this amazing technological device is soaking up every extra bit of sweat that may befall her.
Yes, you’re supposed to give flowers on Valentine’s Day, but there’s no fun in doing something you’re supposed to. A true romantic would much rather get a rubber chicken
as a token of your love — especially one that squeaks while the mailperson is walking up to their door. Trust me on this (I did not ask my wife before writing this statement).
Live in one of the states that hasn’t legalized marijuana? Well, you can dream or you can tempt your Valentine with thesr chocolates that are shaped like cannabis buds.
If they actually try to smoke them, can you video it for us? That could be fun.
You can’t think of romance without thinking about Donald Trump. Oh, you can? My bad. Still, about 32 percent of Valentines will consider this card a thoughtful loving gift
— especially when they open it and hear The Donald say, “We share one heart and one glorious destiny!” If you want extra props, include a Stormy Daniels DVD with the card.
If you’re in a state where marijuana is legal, then these THC-infused bath salts
might be the perfect gift for a Valentine who really really wants to relax. However, think twice if your Valentine just happens to be Jeff Sessions.
For some couples, flowers and candy are boring. For those people, we suggest this creepy rubber costume
as seen in “American Horror Story.” Hey, don’t judge. (Even though the fact I used the word “creepy” in the preceding sentence probably qualifies as judgment.)
Valentine’s Day is supposed to be a day to remember the one you love. For too many people, it’s a day to remember the jerks who’ve done you wrong. Place the face of the person you hate on these revenge pinatas
and get out your aggressions whacking them hard. Oh, don’t forget to add the candy first!
Still bugged by your ex? Show them how you feel by sending this rat replica
in a beautifully gift-wrapped box. Passive-aggressive anger at its finest, kids!
Looking for a sexy costume for roleplay that doesn’t involve wearing rubber? You could certainly dress up as a love bug
before romancing your sweetie. Think of all the romantic things you can say to each other in between reminding your Valentine, “I’m a love bug!”
Big Mouth Inc
Some people want a ring on Valentine’s Day while others just want to get drunk. This diamond ring-shaped wine glass
threads the needle for both people. There is absolutely no way anyone would ever be disappointed to get this instead of real diamonds. No one! Drink up, young lovers (as long as you’re over 21).
Just because grilled chicken shouldn’t be pink, doesn’t mean the tools you use on the BBQ can’t be. This five-piece BBQ tool set
is the heartfelt way to tell the lady in your life, “I heard pink is a girl’s color and you’re a girl, so here!” (Maybe work on the phrasing a bit first).
It’s not as romantic as, say, a creepy rubber man costume (oops, there I go judging again), but a cheeseburger backpack
is definitely utilitarian. Probably should find out if your Valentine is vegetarian first.
Bathing with your Valentine? That’s sweet, but ordinary soap seems so, so ordinary. But you can definitely amp up the romance level when the soap is shaped like the fish
you picked up yesterday at your supermarket’s sushi counter.
Sure, you could give a nice bottle of wine for Valentine’s Day. Or, if you live in a state that has legalized marijuana, you can both imbibe this cider made with THC,
the main psychoactive ingredient in pot. It’s sparkling and stony and beats smoking weed out of an apple core.
Every Valentine is different. For every person who wants a fancy dinner, expensive chocolates or other extravagant purchases, there may be one who appreciates the simple things in life: Like a blanket shaped like a mermaid tail
. Sorry, it only fits one person (we tried).
No, Shark Week isn’t until later this year, but you can use these shark-themed bath salts
to re-enact your favorite romantic scenes from “Jaws.” Oh, I’ve just been told that’s not actually a thing.